All About Tha D

There are times in this thing called life that we sometimes feel like just walking away from it all and just fading away into nothingness. Some people do just that. Just go away and hope like hell that no one finds them. Sometimes I think that explains why we have such a high homeless population...people with no sense of hope and nowhere else to turn.

There was a period in my life that I felt like this. My world had taken a deep dive and everything that I trusted and believed in was shaken and torn apart. That day I was truly an emotional  mess and I didn't care. It was then that I discovered the power of  THA D. It was a Tuesday as I recall and the day was rough. So very rough. All I wanted to do was be drunk, angry and small and I was doing a really great job of it. After maybe my 4th Seagram 7 and Sprite in he came. He was a beautiful brother with the look, style and swag of a Chris Brown before all of the foolishness. Though the bar was not empty he seemed to hone in on me and despite my being so very stand-offish and antisocial  he continued to try and get some type of smile out of me and eventually it worked. Was it the alcohol or just that this man was hot and into me ( he told me I was cute...ain't that some shit)? At this point I did not care. I just wanted to be sad, be held, be touched. be angry,  be killed , just be something other than myself.

After what seem like days in this man's presence, he asked me if I wanted to leave and chill at his place and I said yes. It was at this point that I really needed whatever he was offering and he was truly putting a whoooooooole lot out there. That night and many days after he truly showed me what Tha D was about.

Fast forward 10 years and this man is still in my life. This dude has seen me in my darkest and highest emotional points of that last ten years. To him I have been loving, thoughtful, affectionate and cruel. I know for a fact that this dude wanted to and should have punched me on many occasions. Yet here he is and here he continues to be and I do and always will love him.

THA D saved me...saved me in every way possible a person can save another. I owe him my life and my love for reasons that he and I know. THA D was/ is awesome.  Though a gentleman always navigates within the waters of discretion I can tell you this.  Demetrius D.F. despite how I sometimes act I am always here and always loving you.

I Wanna Dance

When I was younger I was so in love with Whitney Houston. She was fresh and young and could melt icebergs with her sultry voice. It seemed that every note of every song made me want to either be in love or save the world. In some sense my world was better because I could pop in my cassettes  ( yes I owned cassettes and a Sony Walkman) and just drift in the waves of her voice. Whitney was youth and living your best white life personified . One of my all time favorites is I Wanna Dance with Somebody.  The video was everything a gayish young boy could want to get into without getting a whippin. I would escape into that song because Whitney knew I was alone and wanted someone to love me. I associated this song with searching but not quite getting. Listening to this was always bitter sweet. Joy and pain.

As I got older and Whitney seemingly started living a life that was in a downward spiral I was still her card carrying fan. I know that all to well the game she had to play in order to be “seen”. Her antics were actually just plain pure Whitney without the filters and fanfare. I lived that life all to well. Being something I wasn’t was easy. I just smiled pretty and became whatever “they” said I should be. Being the real me was hard, scary and buried and when I did show a small crack of my real self people did not know how to take it....I was in their opinion not being myself.

I now see this same song in a different light. I think it took being in love, being heart broken , being broken and being just plain alright, to learn that dancing with someone was not about having a love but for me it was about being spirited and alive....being in love with myself and living my best true self.  Learning not to give a fuck while saying fuck it ( fuck is my favorite word). Whitney’s song became the voice of my revolution reminding me that everyday was a day to dance and celebrate all that I was, am and will be. I am Whitney and I wanna dance !!!!!

Go Speed Racer Go

When I was kid I used to race home to watch one of my favorite shows....Speed Racer. I loved getting caught up in his adventures as he raced around the world in the sleek, teched out Mach 5 making the world safe from bad guys. All the while having way too much fun living dangerously. I once talked my grandmother into getting me a monkey and she was going to do it but my Grandfather put his foot down so it definitely became a no. Of course I had to sneak and watch it at my Grandmother’s house because of the line in the theme song that said that he was a “demon on wheels”. That phrase did not play well in Lois’ very Christian home. But that’s a story for another time. All I knew is that this kat was everywhere making everything right for people. I wanted to be that guy making things right.

For a very brief time in my younger life I was married TO A WOMAN( insert gasps and record scratch ) and with this came the thought that I would finally find my peace of mind, move over Lauren Hill. Unfortunately in hindsight for the better I would suppose, the marriage was brief but I was a complete wreck and a whack job no less.  I became Speed Racer.

I developed this need to drive. At first it was for relaxation but very soon it became an obsession. I would drive and drive until I got tired of driving. I ended up in different states and cities, some for days and some for months on end. I helped build a church. Built homes with Habitat for Humanity.Worked in a youth shelter. Had a very brief life in California, New York and North Carolina , all in the course of a year and a half.  I was living on the streets even though I had my own apartment. I even stood on corners quasi tricking ( I hooked up with men but I did not charge any money) many times I just wanted to be held or at least acknowledged but most often I ended up fucking and then crying. Eventually the real male prostitutes caught on to my freebies and  ran me off . I really experienced weird travels and some unusual adventures. Bitter sweet.

Times are different now and life is soooo much better or at least different. I found my voice and my peace of mind such as it is , but every so often I hop in the car , turn the keys and want to take ChimChim( the stuffed bear that sits in the front of my car for the last 19 years) and just drive..

Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer He's a demon on wheels He's a demon and he's gonna be chasing after someone He's gaining on you so you better look alive He's busy revving up the powerful Mach Five And when the odds are against him and there's daaangerous work to do You bet your life Speed Racer's gonna see it throughGo Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go Speed Racer go He's off and flying as he guns the car around the track He's jamming down the pedal like he's never coming back Adventure's waiting just aheeeeeeeeaaaaadGo Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go!

<—-Young me in North Carolina