I Wanna Dance

When I was younger I was so in love with Whitney Houston. She was fresh and young and could melt icebergs with her sultry voice. It seemed that every note of every song made me want to either be in love or save the world. In some sense my world was better because I could pop in my cassettes  ( yes I owned cassettes and a Sony Walkman) and just drift in the waves of her voice. Whitney was youth and living your best white life personified . One of my all time favorites is I Wanna Dance with Somebody.  The video was everything a gayish young boy could want to get into without getting a whippin. I would escape into that song because Whitney knew I was alone and wanted someone to love me. I associated this song with searching but not quite getting. Listening to this was always bitter sweet. Joy and pain.

As I got older and Whitney seemingly started living a life that was in a downward spiral I was still her card carrying fan. I know that all to well the game she had to play in order to be “seen”. Her antics were actually just plain pure Whitney without the filters and fanfare. I lived that life all to well. Being something I wasn’t was easy. I just smiled pretty and became whatever “they” said I should be. Being the real me was hard, scary and buried and when I did show a small crack of my real self people did not know how to take it....I was in their opinion not being myself.

I now see this same song in a different light. I think it took being in love, being heart broken , being broken and being just plain alright, to learn that dancing with someone was not about having a love but for me it was about being spirited and alive....being in love with myself and living my best true self.  Learning not to give a fuck while saying fuck it ( fuck is my favorite word). Whitney’s song became the voice of my revolution reminding me that everyday was a day to dance and celebrate all that I was, am and will be. I am Whitney and I wanna dance !!!!!

Go Speed Racer Go

When I was kid I used to race home to watch one of my favorite shows....Speed Racer. I loved getting caught up in his adventures as he raced around the world in the sleek, teched out Mach 5 making the world safe from bad guys. All the while having way too much fun living dangerously. I once talked my grandmother into getting me a monkey and she was going to do it but my Grandfather put his foot down so it definitely became a no. Of course I had to sneak and watch it at my Grandmother’s house because of the line in the theme song that said that he was a “demon on wheels”. That phrase did not play well in Lois’ very Christian home. But that’s a story for another time. All I knew is that this kat was everywhere making everything right for people. I wanted to be that guy making things right.

For a very brief time in my younger life I was married TO A WOMAN( insert gasps and record scratch ) and with this came the thought that I would finally find my peace of mind, move over Lauren Hill. Unfortunately in hindsight for the better I would suppose, the marriage was brief but I was a complete wreck and a whack job no less.  I became Speed Racer.

I developed this need to drive. At first it was for relaxation but very soon it became an obsession. I would drive and drive until I got tired of driving. I ended up in different states and cities, some for days and some for months on end. I helped build a church. Built homes with Habitat for Humanity.Worked in a youth shelter. Had a very brief life in California, New York and North Carolina , all in the course of a year and a half.  I was living on the streets even though I had my own apartment. I even stood on corners quasi tricking ( I hooked up with men but I did not charge any money) many times I just wanted to be held or at least acknowledged but most often I ended up fucking and then crying. Eventually the real male prostitutes caught on to my freebies and  ran me off . I really experienced weird travels and some unusual adventures. Bitter sweet.

Times are different now and life is soooo much better or at least different. I found my voice and my peace of mind such as it is , but every so often I hop in the car , turn the keys and want to take ChimChim( the stuffed bear that sits in the front of my car for the last 19 years) and just drive..

Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer He's a demon on wheels He's a demon and he's gonna be chasing after someone He's gaining on you so you better look alive He's busy revving up the powerful Mach Five And when the odds are against him and there's daaangerous work to do You bet your life Speed Racer's gonna see it throughGo Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go Speed Racer go He's off and flying as he guns the car around the track He's jamming down the pedal like he's never coming back Adventure's waiting just aheeeeeeeeaaaaadGo Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go!

<—-Young me in North Carolina